How to declutter when your spouse doesn't want to, Tips from a Professional Organizer in Cleveland, Ohio

Today we're going to talk about how to declutter when your spouse doesn't want to.

I'm going to start with a story about how decluttering can influence the people you live with. Then I'm going to give a bunch of practical tips and considerations when you're living with someone who does not want to declutter, whether it's a spouse or anyone else that you might be living with. Lastly, I'm going to talk a little bit about language, how our language can help support the process.

How Decluttering Can Influence the People You Live With

Usually most homes that we go into, if there's a couple, a heterosexual couple, a man and a woman, typically the woman is the primary client. Even if sometimes the male partner will call, it seems like when we get there, the woman is the primary client.

There was this couple that we were working with and again, the woman was the primary client, but the guy was there. It was a senior couple kind of on the edge of retirement.

This was maybe the fourth session and we went upstairs to the primary bedroom and began to work on her wardrobe. We had already started in the kitchen, done some closets, the linen closet, bathroom closet, her home office and craft area.

We're working away and then halfway through, the gentleman comes up, opens his side of the closet, and literally starts pulling things out and going through things. We were both looking at each other like, what is happening? He had never done that before and I think he was just so inspired.

Of course that's a best-case scenario, but it does happen. It doesn't always happen overnight. Sometimes it takes years to really influence the people that you live with, but it's a happy coincidence when that happens.

Start With Your Own Decluttering First

One of the first points of how to declutter when your spouse doesn't want to, or your partner or whoever you live with, is to start with your own things.

Even when I started decluttering, I thought, my kid's toys are everywhere, my husband's piles are everywhere. It's so easy to see other people's things while ignoring our own things.

You really want to start with your own things. You want to dig deep. Make that dresser, each drawer, really the way you want it to be. Make the top of your dresser the way you want it to be. Go into your closet and start getting rid of clothing you're probably not wearing, things that don't fit, things that aren't quite the right color.

The reason you're starting with your own things is it's sort of like taking your own medicine first. It's really not fair to tell someone else they need to declutter and pare down if you haven't done that journey yourself.

The other point is maybe that's not their journey. You might be getting really enthusiastic about simple living, minimalism, or decluttering your home. The other person you live with may not be interested in that at all. Just because it's your journey and you live with them doesn't mean it's their journey.

So that's a little bit of acceptance.

Decluttering Shared Spaces in Your Cleveland Home

After you've really dug deep and focused on your own areas, then you can move into the shared spaces.

An example would be the living room or the kitchen. That's a little bit easier than pointing at someone's pile and telling them to take care of it.

Instead, move into a shared area. Maybe it's the kitchen. You both cook there. Maybe you're frustrated with the way the pans are stored. You can never find what you need. Everything falls when you try to get out a cake pan.

You're trying to get buy-in for the common area where at least some of the items are shared.

Living room, bathroom, front entry area, dining room, playroom, kitchen, and garage are often shared spaces.

Creating Boundaries and Designated Spaces for Everyone

Once you've done that, the next thing to do is delineate space.

We have a little front entryway where we put shoes and coats. We have a shoe shelf with four shelves on it.

What I figured out is if one person likes many items and one person wants a more minimalist look, you need to assign space. One shelf for one person, another shelf for another person, and so on.

If someone wants to cram five pairs of shoes onto their shelf, that's their choice. If someone else only wants two pairs, that doesn't mean another person gets to take over the extra space.

That's why delineating space is important.

I think this works great in a pantry too. I have a shelf and I put the food that I eat on that shelf. That's my shelf. Whether it's organized or not is my choice.

Create spaces for coats, purses, wallets, keys, drawers, cabinets, and other belongings. You're not trying to eliminate items. You're trying to create homes for them.

We have a cabinet in our living room. That's my husband's cabinet. I have zero items in it. It's 100% his.

How to Encourage Change Without Creating Conflict

As people with many items spread them around the house, kindly return the items to their designated spaces.

Part of what happens when items are spread all throughout the house is that people may not realize how much they have.

For example, a dining room table can quickly become a catch-all. When I see things there that aren't related to dinner, I'm kindly returning them to where they belong.

With kids, I tell them to take their things to their room or the playroom. With a partner or spouse, I'm kindly returning items to their designated spaces.

That way the person experiences how much stuff they actually have.

If you're partnered with someone who has very extreme collecting behaviors or extreme difficulty getting rid of items, more toward what we would call hoarding disorder, which is a mental health disorder, you probably will need professional help, therapy, counseling, or perhaps a professional organizer to navigate that.

A great book is Buried in Treasures. It's widely available at the library and includes tools that can help you better understand whether professional help may be appropriate.

Lastly, from the book Minimalism for Families by Zoe Kim, one helpful idea is underlining the benefits.

With kids, it might sound like, "Let's clean up so we can go to the pool." Or, "Aren't you glad cleanup was fast because we don't have too many toys?"

You can do the same thing throughout daily life:

"I'm so glad I cleaned out my purse and switched to a smaller purse so I can find my keys."

"Isn't it easy to get out the pan since we decluttered these pans?"

You're simply underlining the benefits day-to-day and moment-to-moment.

Similarly, people will see the ease with which you're getting things out of the closet or packing for a weekend away. When you declutter, you naturally create more ease, and the people around you will notice it.

Saying those benefits out loud can help create inspiration.

Hopefully that's helpful. I'd love to hear if you have more questions or how it's going if you are decluttering when someone that you live with is not very enthusiastic about it.